dear God, i hate myself.

and it screams, it scream to my veins. It screams to my whole body. It screams and screams in my head. One cut, just one. You will feel better, relieved and powerful. Itching fingers and a mind that is going crazy. My mind is cheating on me, i close my eyes and all i see is that blade. That blade going over my skin ripping it apart and ooh i feel it. It is so close, I can almost touch it. ‘Just one cut, just one’ they whisper to me ‘It is okay, you know you want this’. And i am sitting here, going crazy. I don’t want to relapse. I think I don’t,  but I am not sure anymore. And I am just not sure i am strong enough. 

два часа до 22-го августа.

корчусь в ванной третьи сутки, оказывается, так сложно и неудобно жить в своем теле. думаю, стоит отдать конечности на проветривание.

кстати, пишу книгу. есть уже 3 главы. но мои крики никому уже не нужны, нужны реконструкции