shut up

I’m not awake or asleep, I’m in some sort of trance, a zombie just going through the motions of it all. I “wake up” but I’m not awake, my mind is constantly running. I’m tired but I just keep moving, I’m waiting for the day where my mind says “fuck this shit” and just implodes on itself.
I was baking a couple nights ago and using some red paste coloring. I touched it a finger accidentally and it looked just like blood. I grabbed the bottle and rubbed the rest of it on my arm and I just stood there staring at it. I didn’t here anything or see anything else, just the red and I imagined it was my blood. I imagined my blood was spilling out and as I washed it it away it felt so good to see blood flow. I don’t even sleep on my bed anymore I just stay on the couch the entire day. I’m on the verge of tears every moment of the day and front line with a death wish. Everyday I step out I hope, nay I wish that I die. I want to get hit by a truck, I need to just die. Right now I’m thinking of going to a bar tonight and have some guy just beat me senseless. It’s all I feel now, the desire to die. I’m numb.